Last night I was filling out a government form requiring a list of the places I've lived for the past five years. The form provided me five lines; I needed to attach a second page. Farmlands, small towns, and urban centers, spanning both states and nations, cultures and languages, a blur when I think about it, crammed into five years time and collapsed into orderly government-issue fill-in boxes. Weddings and funerals, births, and enough movement to bleed off onto that second page ...
There does come a time when change is change enough. When the restlessness tapers off, when the urge for movement is satiated, and when simple stability is sought. When I was younger, like many of the very young, I thought this was a symptom of a defeated spirit. I did not yet know that spirits don't naturally require an ongoing diet of excitement and exoticism to be well nourished. I did not yet know how much better the soul is fed through deeply grounded roots than by the motions of the wind.
The Qur'an tells us that if Allah subhana wa ta'ala knows of a bit of good within our hearts we may be granted greater than whatever all is taken from us. That is interpretive, of course; the context of revelation was not broad assurances to mankind but rather a specific instance having to do with gold lost in the cause of ransoming prisoners. Still, as believers navigate the waters of restricting to and opening beyond the context-specificity of revelation, there is obviously something heartening to be found in leaving this ayah rest in more open hands. There is hope in it for all who suffer losses, and all will suffer losses. "You will be tested in your wealth and in yourselves ..."
I planted myself in a small apartment on the second floor of a clapboard building with fruit trees in the backyard and an American flag jutting out from over the front door. Here I wake and sleep, heat bread and tea, scrub floors, read books, waste time online, feed my babies, and otherwise pass the days in the peace of the ordinary. Insha'allah in five years time a similar form might find from me but one address filling a single line.
I've not been so tested, not really. And I have been given greater than my losses many times already. People like to tell me I am strong, but I have only had the strength to bear endlessly receiving that for which I have asked -- excitement when I dreamed of it, status and security when I coveted it, stability when I prayed from need of it. To date my test has only been my bounty, like that rich men as well as poor are tested by their wealth.
I planted myself here, setting roots into this non-exciting, non-exotic, and all around just perfect little east coast American town. I married again, a warrior:
The Prophet said, "The one who looks after and works for a widow and for a poor person is like a warrior fighting for Allah's cause, or like a person who fasts during the day and prays all the night."
... though he'd shy from knowing I called him as such. It is the last change I asked; I hope the last for a long while. For now, at least, I've broken the habit.
"God provides limitlessly for whomever he will."
And I am grateful.
I am very, very grateful.
